Placenta Domingo Is A Vampire Now (With Bonus Recipe!)

Hello, dear reader(s?)

At least, hello to my fellow woodland-dweller. I am unsure if you want to be credited on...this. This.

This is a chronicling of my transformation into a night-walker, a crypt-dwelling creature who hides from day and abhors the dread allium. And alfalfa sprouts. And melatonin. And artificial sweeteners.

For, you see, I am a vampire now.

How can a cabbage be a vampire, you ask? What would you possibly drink? What is the cabbage version of fangs? Shut the fuck up, I say! If a man can be a vampire, if a rabbit can be a vampire in a series of journalistic nonfiction accounts, then surely a sentient cabbage can too become the undead!

How did I become transformed, you may ask? What hideous process perverted the natural state of life within this innocent except for the kidnap of Manhattanites and also jewel thievery and that thing in Texas and that thing in Hong Kong and some tax stuff and the thing that happened in the Falkland Islands that was really Colin's fault cabbage?

I....visited the Johns Hopkins Undifferentiated Cabbage Connective Greenery Disease information website. The Horror!

Apparently my new diagnosis, known by the acronym of UCCGD to the paranormally unaware, is severely aggravated by the purifying light of the sun. While I have avoided the sun for years because it gives me a rash and makes my cabbage asthma DON'T ASK HOW IT WORKS worse and makes me sleepy, I have to take further precautions. Verily, I must smear my whole cabbagery with SPF one zillion, wear dark fabrics, be completely covered, don a horrible ladies who lunch hat, and in general avoid the daystar between the super convenient hours of 10 and 4. I must also take "hella" chlorophyll supplements (one hella per week.) Granted, this is all more convenient than sleeping in a coffin all day, and certainly better than tanning myself to an early demise.

I am also no longer allowed to consume garlic, as it supercharges the cabbage immune system DON'T ASK HOW IT WORKS as well as my belov'd melatonin. I am not so upset about sprouts and Splenda, although I will have to stop making my Alfalfa Aspartame Two-Layer Salad. People love it! (Recipe below.) I am convinced, if I avoid these things and the demon sun, I will be rewarded with a long immortality. To look stupid in hats with. I do not look good in hats.

I MISS YOU GARLIC
I LOVE YOU

BEATRICEEEEEEEEEEE

Alfalfa-Aspartame Salad

2 pounds Alfalfa Sprouts

3 cups Aspartame

Wash and clean your Alfalfa Sprouts. Layer in a salad bowl, sprinkling with the Aspartame. Top with remaining Aspartame. Serve to your adoring friends and companions! This recipe does not fail to win fervent and hasty praise from all.

If you enjoy this blog, would you consider donating to my favorite cause, Stop German Food Now! Stop German Food Now! is a charity foundation devoted to eradicating German Food from the face of the earth, using civil disobedience and educational programs for Germans about sushi. Literally MILLIONS of cabbages are lost to German Food every year. Let's band together to Stoperkraut the Sauerkraut!

Placenta Damns Animals to Hell

Hey, loyal readers!*

I'm a rural girl through and through. There's nothing better than waking in my illegal tree sublet to the twittering of sparrows, making myself a sandwich and taking a walk through the morning forest to reset the Manhattanite snares get some exercise.

There's also nothing worse than having a centipede big enough to garrote someone with skitter its way across your breakfast nutelluffernutter, leaving a trail of-something? I couldn't possibly guess-glistening on the bread you selected specifically for its lack of bug jizz or whatever.

Let's face it, asshole animals ruin nature. But have they ever been confronted about it?

fucking why?

Well, I'm going to call them out on their shit right now. Animals get away with everything: stinging, biting, releasing a stinking chemical from their ass glands, using your spatula and melting it and then refusing to pay for a new one even though it was really nice and a gift! 

$15.95 at Macy's

Here's my list of animals that deserve to burn for eternity.

1. My squirrel roommate. 

not pictured: the rest of my peanuts

FUCK YOU COLIN. 

2. Skunks.

basically Dane Cook/Hitler

You should know that even though I'm running away from your butt, I'm not scared of you. I just hate dealing with my dry cleaner's rude teen employees. Maybe I should let my cat try to make ball-free love to you someday. How would you like that?

3. Silverfish.

I'm not posting a picture of a silverfish because God made them to punish us with fear. Which are legs? Which are antennae? Whatever they are, there are too many of them. And late at night, the scrabbling, shifting noise they make

watching

moving

waiting for you to go to sleep so they can crawl in your face!

Case closed. Silverfish are bad.

4. Foxes.

the British hunted them on horses to be higher than the smell

People love foxes, specifically Manhattanites I catch in my snares people who don't live very close to foxes. The straight dope on foxes is: when a vixen is horny, she'll scream like an actual human person. It'll be a lovely evening and you'll be ensconced in your tree putting your cabbage feet up and relaxing with Hee Haw and the latest Reader's Digest when you hear this noise like someone's being murdered. Has a Manhattanite escaped? Is someone in need of assistance? So you'll pull on your specialized boots and trudge out into the woods, giving Colin enough time to eat your Easy-Mac, only to find that it's just a horny fire-colored dog creature. And then you find a totally unrelated body and that causes some problems and eventually it leads you to an international ring of jewel thieves culminating in a triple cross in Bucharest during your last job, you swore!

Fucking foxes.

This is probably going to be a series.

























*no one