Placenta Damns Animals to Hell

Hey, loyal readers!*

I'm a rural girl through and through. There's nothing better than waking in my illegal tree sublet to the twittering of sparrows, making myself a sandwich and taking a walk through the morning forest to reset the Manhattanite snares get some exercise.

There's also nothing worse than having a centipede big enough to garrote someone with skitter its way across your breakfast nutelluffernutter, leaving a trail of-something? I couldn't possibly guess-glistening on the bread you selected specifically for its lack of bug jizz or whatever.

Let's face it, asshole animals ruin nature. But have they ever been confronted about it?

fucking why?

Well, I'm going to call them out on their shit right now. Animals get away with everything: stinging, biting, releasing a stinking chemical from their ass glands, using your spatula and melting it and then refusing to pay for a new one even though it was really nice and a gift! 

$15.95 at Macy's

Here's my list of animals that deserve to burn for eternity.

1. My squirrel roommate. 

not pictured: the rest of my peanuts

FUCK YOU COLIN. 

2. Skunks.

basically Dane Cook/Hitler

You should know that even though I'm running away from your butt, I'm not scared of you. I just hate dealing with my dry cleaner's rude teen employees. Maybe I should let my cat try to make ball-free love to you someday. How would you like that?

3. Silverfish.

I'm not posting a picture of a silverfish because God made them to punish us with fear. Which are legs? Which are antennae? Whatever they are, there are too many of them. And late at night, the scrabbling, shifting noise they make

watching

moving

waiting for you to go to sleep so they can crawl in your face!

Case closed. Silverfish are bad.

4. Foxes.

the British hunted them on horses to be higher than the smell

People love foxes, specifically Manhattanites I catch in my snares people who don't live very close to foxes. The straight dope on foxes is: when a vixen is horny, she'll scream like an actual human person. It'll be a lovely evening and you'll be ensconced in your tree putting your cabbage feet up and relaxing with Hee Haw and the latest Reader's Digest when you hear this noise like someone's being murdered. Has a Manhattanite escaped? Is someone in need of assistance? So you'll pull on your specialized boots and trudge out into the woods, giving Colin enough time to eat your Easy-Mac, only to find that it's just a horny fire-colored dog creature. And then you find a totally unrelated body and that causes some problems and eventually it leads you to an international ring of jewel thieves culminating in a triple cross in Bucharest during your last job, you swore!

Fucking foxes.

This is probably going to be a series.

























*no one