While this is not going to be a cooking blog per se, I would like to present myself as a competent individual instead of the shambling, never-fully-awake disaster that I am certainly not! Thus, I will open with my infamed recipe for risotto!
this is not risotto. never do this.
This recipe was originally taken from The Silver Spoon, the premier cookbook for Italian people who are my extended family, but I've fucked with it so much over the years I feel comfortable calling it mine. But yeah, it's still basically the Silver Spoon's.
Ingredients
1 cardboard box thingy of store-bought chicken or vegetable Stock. If you have homemade Stock, you care more than I do.
2 cups Arborio or Carnaroli (for those of you with your own Stock, Carnaroli is best) Rice.
1/2 cup Dairy Fat, either mozzarella cheese, butter, or cream depending on your intended consistency. There is absolutely no getting around this.
1/4-1/2 cup Hard Italian Cheese, grated.
1 white or vidalia Onion, diced.
Some Olive Oil. I refuse to be more specific.
Optional ingredients: 2 beaten eggs (I'll explain, purists), peppers, peas. white wine. salmon, your placenta, etc. You can put almost anything in risotto. My favorites are red pepper, spring pea or red wine and mushroom, which is a pretty horrible industrial carpet color but tastes great.
Cooking Time: You're going to be cooking for an hour.
Steps:
1.Heat the Stock in a stockpot until it's boiling. Turn it down to a low simmer and slap a lid on that shit. Otherwise you may end up needing 1 and 1/4 thingies.
2. Dump the Olive Oil in a pan and heat on medium for about five minutes.
3. Turn the heat down a little and add the Onion. Cook until it's cooked. Come on, you know how to cook an Onion. If you're using red peppers, they should go in with the Onion. Any other veggies should be added midway through step 6.
4. Add the Rice. Shove it around the pan until it's coated in the Olive Oil and Onion. Toast it for a minute or two. Now is when you would add your wine/sherry/balsamic vinegar/vanilla if you're freaky.
5. Add about 1/2 cup of the Stock to your Rice. Now the stirring begins! You're going to be stirring for a while. Use a rubber policeman.
6. Every time the Stock is almost completely absorbed, add another 1/2 cup. This should take at least a half hour. Any less and you won't extrude enough starch from the arborio and it won't be any good. Stir constantly.
7.When the rice is almost done but still a bit toothy and your Stock is almost gone, add your Dairy Fat and most of your Cheese. Now stir like you've never stirred before! You need to whip the starch from the Rice and the Dairy Fat together as fast as you can manage without blinding yourself with hot Rice or tearing your rotator cuff.
8. Finish off with 1/2 cup of the Stock, wait for any excess liquid to absorb and transfer to a tureen or whatever. Your risotto should have a consistency like half-made jello. It'll tighten up at the table.
8 with eggs: Finish off with 1/2 cup Stock and your eggs, which should be swiftly incorporated to avoid egg drop risotto. Purists, this makes it really creamy and nice. Plus, with the eggs it can be your main course.
9. Remove the Rice from your eyebrow.
Serve with the rest of the Cheese and freshly grated pepper! Makes a great main course with a light salad or a side dish for fish. I don't have a picture of my own risotto, owing to the constant rain of superheated Rice globs whenever I make this. This picture looks accurate, though.
that's a fucked up garnish, though. green pepper bits?
You're fucking welcome!
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