Placenta's Old Woman Weekend with a Spy

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Hello, "everyone!" As I still haven't decided what kind of blog this is going to be, I'm going to try my hand at travel blogging. This post will be about how to have an age-inappropriate and fun weekend in the Hudson Valley without having to see another person under the age of forty. Normally, it takes a lot to get this cabbage to leave her hollow tree-I'm tired of calling the police on my squirrel roommate-but this weekend my friend and future contributor The Scarlet Dodger and I decided to do some things. Here are some event writeups. Maybe I will continue to do this?

Saturday's Event: Stone House Day!

that's real stone, not plastic

Location: Hurley, New York.
Event Description: Over ten stone house tours! Local vendors! Vernacular architecture! Graveyard!

Dress Code: Colonial formal.  I wore my traditional cowhide garment (more on the garment to come). The Scarlet Dodger wore her duster and fedora, to keep a low profile. I am told it had something to do with whatever she was just doing in Buenos Aires. 

Should I Be On Drugs For This: Do you want to feel like every third person has jumped forward in time? If the answer is yes, call me

What Am I Going To Be Dropping Money On: LIBRARY FAIR YO. Three motherfucking sheds! Get ready to remove your styrofoam cup full of nickels from the whispering folds of your traditional garment!
Creepy Hanger On Event?: An antiques sale, which proved to be more fucked up than I could ever have dreamed! And a dried flower wreath closeout.

basically me at Stone House Day, because of my garment

The Antiques Scene: Possessed or Overpriced?

                                              
The eyes of the dog on the right possess a strange intelligence. Verdict: POSSESSED.

A broken Silent-Hill-y baby carriage for only $65 dollars. Look, if I wanted to put a baby in serious danger, I could do that for free at the water park. Verdict: OVERPRICED.

Somewhere, someone's stroking a turkey skull and thinking about the day they made this. Maybe they want it back, and have unearthly powers! Should you really risk it? Verdict: POSSESSED.

Fifty fucking dollars! Verdict: OVERPRICED HULK VAGINA SCULPTURE.

Referred to as the "mannequin" by the two jocular and undeserving-of-this ladies running the sale, this three-foot-tall baby doll looks like Elizabeth Taylor with Lindsey Lohan's skin tone. If you were wondering, the eyeliner was painted on recently. Verdict: POSSESSED BY THE SPIRIT OF LIZ TAYLOR.

I also took a lot of pictures of the graveyard. People are interesting. 

aw yea a culture that remembers the dead yet removes them from the community thus affording them a liminal status

Sunday's Event: A Fucking Fiasco From Beginning to End

Location: the Magic Forest, Highland, Walkill, Modena, Rosendale, High Falls, Beekmantown, Lloyd, Poughkeepsie, Lloyd again, the Magic Forest again, wherever the fuck else we drove.

Event Description: Making plans with The Scarlet Dodger to go to a vinegar festival at a local monastery! Trusting Google Maps! Becoming hopelessly lost in the Magic Forest-adjacent boonies! Making a potentially legal u-turn on 9W! Eventually giving up and going home! 

Dress Code: Rage sweat. 

Should I Be On Drugs For This: We probably needed caffeine.

What Am I Going To Be Dropping Money On: Indian food, once you realize that the restaurant you want to eat at is closed and you'll hyper-puke on some bitch's caftan if you have to eat a greasy hot dog right now. The Scarlet Dodger also purchased some items at the hardcore thrift shop while I battled my mysterious attraction to the proprietor. That guy is my Ryan Gosling and I couldn't for the life of me tell you why. 

Creepy Hanger On Event?: Picking up myrrh for my deipna Hecate at the magic store. 

Takeaway: Old people know where the good times are (old graves!) and whoever designed the town of Lloyd is burning in hell right now. Mmm.